Can I be loved the way I need to be?

To know that I am cherished
And that I am of worth
Not just simply of worth,
but worthy of each and every bit of your attention

To know that I can be secure
And that this love is permanent
Not just you being permanently here
but having an unchanging basis of love & of the relationship

To know that I can love you the same equal way
And that I can be vulnerable
Not just vulnerable in giving you my all
But that the vulnerablity will not come back slapping me one day

Can I?

Personal Thots

Have you ever considered my position?
That the things you do
I am the one having to account for them


That it's easier for you
than for me
For I stand in between


Perhaps you are not aware
Perhaps it never occur to you
But I am caught


Behind a persona I must stand

Maybe it's really appropriate that i wrote in here..
It's probably more private than my current space
And after all, most of this blog space
Contained my thoughts about you.


After so long,
I got you.
I used to think i don't need you..
But i was never sure if i don't.


Now that I have you,
I think i need you,
But i doubt if i really do.


When you are gone before,
The tears and fears come.
When you are here now,
The tears and pain felt.


God, if you brought me into all this,
What am I suppose to get out from it?
Why does it hurt so much to have,
That having, I cry as much as when I don't


Why?

Shifted.

Moving on
Last week was a pivotal point
I saw the true colours of reality
And grew up more than I wished


This blog started off
Reflection being its aim
I had enough reflection
Its time to move on


Need to reconcile now
What I learnt from reflection
And what is to come
For that I move on


Bid this chapter goodbye

announcement

Dear all who read this blog,
Please be informed that with effect from
The date that I get my act together
This blog will either be shifted
Or given a password


A blog to me shares my inner most thoughts
And lately, I feel its becoming harder to do so.
Because of the people who read the blog,
And the drifting apart of me & "u"
I now find the need to practise self-censorship
Which in short, is shortchanging myself
Of the honesty that I so prized


So in short,
expect what is coming ur way.
Just tying some loose ends.


Regards,
Cyn

confused

Managed to get a job
Mixed feelings about it.
At the very least,
it provides a source of income
and less time on unneccessary thoughts.


Heard this interesting quote today:

Integrity is doing what you like best

Well then I must be in lack of much;
Alot of things I do
Not cuz I like them best,
but rather cuz its what suits everyone best
Or cuz I see them as a need.


Realised that I am a person
who must tie up loose ends
Before moving on.
If I said I like you..
and then I move on,
While we are on good terms,
I think I ll inform you
That i did fall for someone else.
Kinda so that you wun feel surprised
Nor "betrayed" at finding out yourself
That I had a change of heart


*muses..*
is this the average person's reaction,
Even though we are not accountable?
After all, we did claim to "wait" for the person.
Ain it fair/polite to just inform?
Anyone wants to responds?


Guess am pretty ramble-ly today
Separators in my teeth
Making them ache-y
Me ready for liquid diet le
*dull ache


Realise I am not very apt
In talking in circles
I shall try harder next time


Gee.. this is my lousiest post as yet. So incoherent!

nightmare day

From the moment I woke up
Up to this present second,
I have been in tears
Each time I thought it was over,
Another wave arose to prove me wrong
The only respite I had
Was the cycling time.
SMU people was there,
and it felt horrible to have to put up a front
To pretend that everything was fine,
That nothing was bothering me;
when clearly my eyes still feel raw from last night
And all the painful thoughts just kept on playing in my mind


I knew I had to do something.
I did it.
Asked her to leave me alone;
To not talk to me
Basically cutting off all contact forms.
I know its a drastic move,
An extreme measure;
And our friendship is at stake
But other than that,
I know no other possible alternative
Safe enough to protect myself from the whole cycle
I am sick of getting affected
Tired of crying over her
I need my life back proper,
And somehow there is just no room for her.


I know this act of mine is childish;
Immature and not at all the best way
It was a gamble taken,
One that may not be well justified


But hey, spare a thought for me
Having to pretend that I am all fine
To consider all the other party's emotions,
Only to have to bottle up mine.


To cry in the wee hours of the night
Simply cuz everything is just too painful to bear
To deal with all the heartaches
Yet not being able to share
To cope with the overwhelming fears of everything
Coupled with the taste of loneliness


I am but only human,
And a woman at that
I need a shoulder, assurance
Not insecurities and fears
I need love, not hurt
You don't owe me love;
But at least please, don't hurt me


A gamble I have taken,
I only hope that it turns out right


And to friends of the both of us,
Please, let it not affect anything.

honesty

Talking helps to put things into perspectives
Realised why I was so upset


Part of the reason being
I prize honesty over everything
Yet the irony is
I cannot be totally honest to that someone


Hate it when I have to fake emotions
Pretend to be fine,
To be gracious and flippant;
Pretend not to care and say
"No big deal, its fine =]"


When actually it does matter
Especially when your actions seem just to assuage your guilt,
And you dun seem to really mean what you say
At least, thats the way I view it;
Then all I want to say is
"Spare me, You live your life, and I live mine. Don't act apologetic when its your choice to do so"
Yet I lie and pretend that all is fine,
sparing you a hard time


The truth will hurt;
And I guess all ll be amazed
By how honesty ll make me seem so mean
Take your pick, which cyn will u prefer?
The honest but mean one,
Or the nice but untruthful one?


*gives a new spin to the word "tactful"

FigHter sPiRit

Finished cleaning up,
Felt empowered as I threw away
Flowers from my ex
Tickets stubs from special times
With someone whom I felt for,
But never developed with.
I thought I really succeeded
Managed to let go.


Then I was put to the test
She msn-ed me to apologise
Said she was going to be away
At the time of my birthday.
Was going to visit her someone special
Tears brimmed
I din like the results of the test;
I din manage to let go completely.


Din expect her to remember,
Daren't wish for anything
I rather she forgot
And made no mention with it
That way, I wun have any hope
But yet now even with no hope,
there was disappointment


It was at the moment,
I had to make a choice.
To cry and run away,
Or to face up to what hurts


I chose the latter
Against my own comfort,
I asked about her stuff.
It got painful,
then the pain subsided


It was that moment that I got enlightenment
Its always better to face your fears
Squarely in the eye & confront them
Than to pretend they are not there.


So for all the times I thought I let go,
Maybe its true that I just hid them
Thinking that if I did so,
It will go away somehow


Now I know better,
Perhaps I haven succeeded
Perhaps I still feel something for her
I think I do;
But it doesn't matter
It takes time and a conscious effort
To let go,
To embrace pain as a strengthening drug
To face adversity in tears and not shrivel


I have no answers to the endless tirade of questions
All I have is my fighting spirit
A flicker of flame
& all my willpower not to let it extinguish
Perhaps one day it will burn strong;
I'll be hurt no more
Able to talk to her normally
Able to live independent of her effects

stress stress stress

Dunno where to start from;
This week just got off with a bad start.
Mother actually confronted me yesterday
"Are you in that kind of relationship?"
By which, she was asking if I am a lesbian


It took all of my control nerves
to calmly disclaim
"I am single now"
It hurt that she was my mother,
And I could not be totally honest


Granted, I told a truth
But its only a half truth
As we learn in law,
silence that constitutes a half truth
makes the whole statement a misrepresentation
*consumed by guilt


Whats worse is that her stand broke
Upon my sister's persistent questioning,
and her final conclusion was:
"I have spent so much $$ on you, the last thing I want is for you 2 to be in that kind of relationship."
Upon hearing that,
my heart sank.
I felt like an investment plan to her
A retirement plan.


I dun deny that I ll take care of her old days
But hell, what has that got to do with my sexuality?
Does being a les mean I cannot take care of her?
Why must I choose between family and me;
How I wish that both can co-exist in peace & honesty
Alienating myself from the family is painful,
But i guess thats the price to pay
For being a lesbian.

No moRe shadows

Just finished clearing up my browser,
And my various email accounts.
Deleted mails that used to mean alot,
But the value of which depreciates over time


*Nostalgic*
She will always be a special part
Of what my life used to have
Nonetheless its over,
I think I'm ready to move on in entirety.
Memories still remain,
But at least now I can look back
With a smile,
No pain nor longing


Cleaning up and clearing out
An act of moving on
And riding oneself of excess baggage
That only serves to slow one down.
It shows what we have been through,
And hopefully lessons we have learnt

thankful for everything

Am really thankful to my body
For choosing the right time
that all the blocked nose,
And terrible cough came.
It started a little during promos,
and is moving on to full scale.
Tear-ring from the coughs now =[


Promotion was interesting,
A-midst the juniors'cheers & ranting,
When we went to receive our new rank,
I felt I belonged for a teeny moment.
All the friendships that I forged
It put a smile on my face =]
Then it all came back.
Sad case that as volunteers,
Our main intention is to help
Yet as with everywhere else,
Politics infiltrate and ruin
The innocence of everything.
Am so tempted to resign,
Yet inspired by the seniors,
Who helped solely on their desire to.


Realised I am a true Gemini
My interests are so varied,
I am amazed by myself.
Business/ Theater/ Human Psyche
Sometimes I wish that I can study all 3
Gee, can't I just concentrate on one?
Afterall what if I turn out to be
A jack of all trades,
and master of none?


Btw: new photos are up!

Man's psyche

2 papers down, 1 more to go
Yet everything feels surreal
Going through the process
Without feeling any emotions
No sense of relief,joy nor delight
I plod on


Just merely looking forward
To that thats' in store after the exams
Thats the sustanence I draw from
And of cuz, all those who msg me
The encouragement that drives me on


Many thanks to all who did,
Especially penny dear
Who doesn't read my blog.
*Ironical*
Sometimes we have no idea
The impact of our actions
How small they seem to us,
Yet how appreciated they are to others


Something someone said today made me think
"I am a goner, I only hope everyone is a goner."
Gee, how many of us have said that
Or even felt that way before?
Is that right?
To wish woe upon others
Merely because woe is upon ourselves?
I disagree.
Should I not do well,
It's through my own fault
Why should I wish the same on others then?
Man's psyche is such,
That we are selfish
We wish others to bemoan with us.


We should seriously try to change
Its hard to be happy for others,
But the least we can do
Is not to wish others to be
In the same sad fate as ourselves.


This thinking should not be encouraged

My horoscope for the day

Taking a break from studies,
I read the horoscope from Yahoo!
Like all SMU students do,
When they are bored
Found today's horo particularly accurate
So here goes:


You've been more focused on business than on play lately, which definitely isn't like you. Your friends are a bit taken aback by this, especially because it's the weekend -- and you really can't blame them. Explain that this is all due to the fact that you've just about had it with bowing down to other people's professional whims, and you're thinking of making an impressive exit. That, they'll understand.


I am sure all of u do! =)

Whatever Whatever

Slept a whole day
When my paper is on monday
Cant sum up my energies
Just cant put my heart into my work


Pray for me
Sincerely please do.
Am on the verge of a binge
Eating fried food & chips today
Urgh, dunno whats up with me


Unhealthy & lazy
Good concotion for a bum


I need to pull myself together
Be a mugger-toad for a few more days
Summon up the discipline from within
God help me,
I sincerely pray

Bleags

I know I am supposed to be still studying
But somehow this semester,
I lack the zest as I had last year.
Could it be the different surroundings?
The different subjects?
I know not.


What I do know is that I feel saturated
Everything I come across seems to apply
Mention "ABC" & I think ABC costing
Mention "eh, no guarantee" & exemption clauses
Are all that came to mind.
Should I feel relieved or weird out?
Sheesh, I cant wait for it to be over


Then it will be the promotion event
Kinda weird helping out after so long
And in full uniform somemore
Used to be confident that I can handle
Prepared for contingent situations
Yet now I am a twingl-ing worried
Fearful that I ll let myself down


As if I dun have enough to grapple with,
Now I have to deal with being insecure
Fearful and doubts of my own competence
*Sheesh

My other 1/3

Your dating personality profile: Big-Hearted - You are a kind and caring person. Your warmth is inviting, and your heart is a wellspring of love. Adventurous - Just sitting around the house is not something that appeals to you. You love to be out trying new things and really experiencing life. Liberal - Politics matters to you, and you aren't afraid to share your left-leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate.

Your date match profile: Adventurous - You are looking for someone who is willing to try new things and experience life to its fullest. You need a companion who encourages you to take risks and do exciting things. Practical - You are drawn to people who are sensible and smart. Flashy, materialistic people turn you off. You appreciate the simpler side of living. Big-Hearted - You want someone compassionate, someone gentle and kind. A loving, nurturing person will fill that hole in your life.

Your Top Ten Traits 1. Big-Hearted 2. Adventurous 3. Liberal 4. Wealthy/Ambitious 5. Practical 6. Athletic 7. Romantic 8. Sensual 9. Outgoing 10. Religious

Your Top Ten Match Traits 1. Adventurous 2. Practical 3. Big-Hearted 4. Romantic 5. Wealthy/Ambitious 6. Religious 7. Outgoing 8. Athletic 9. Intellectual 10. Conservative

Take the Online Dating Personality Quiz at Dating Diversions

Sleep beckons

Its 9 am in the morning
Seated in the library,
my bed at home beckons
*Yawns*


My brain woolly
Trying to study
Without caffine to aid.
The music plays in my ears
It drones on with no effect
I hope the opposite goes for my books


One more chapter of biz law to go
Then I would have completed it =)
Next up would be accounting~


*this is what I call self-soothe =P

no play day

This is so annoying
Sound of Music tickets are sold out
Apart from the hundred over bucks one
Which as students
Would be an extravagance expenditure
Should we purchase them


Needless to say,
the plan was to drop it
Next up was Boeing Boeing
Which tickets are sold out too
*Bleags


Of cos it din help
That we could all only make it on weekends
But well, friendship is more than a play
Too bad we just have to forego


Now in consideration is Lord of the Dance
Its seventy one bucks should we watch it
Undecided if we should just go
Maybe fate will decide for us once more =)


This is life and reality I guess
Not all choices for the picking!
Just talked to my yearmate..
Am promoted but debating if we should go
Back to studying first =)
Jiayou everyone!

woman

a woman, no matter how strong,
needs to have someone to lean on.


When the going gets tough,
And I get tired from studying,
regardless of how much i convince myself
that i am numb;
Strong enough to carry on alone
Reality remains
That I still wish someone here


Someone to lean on,
to wipe my tears away
to hush my fears
to hug me & chase all my fears away


Acute loneliness
Acute need to have a pillar
Yet when this longing subsides,
the mask remains on
A strong female to the world
Till the next wave rises