nightmare day

From the moment I woke up
Up to this present second,
I have been in tears
Each time I thought it was over,
Another wave arose to prove me wrong
The only respite I had
Was the cycling time.
SMU people was there,
and it felt horrible to have to put up a front
To pretend that everything was fine,
That nothing was bothering me;
when clearly my eyes still feel raw from last night
And all the painful thoughts just kept on playing in my mind


I knew I had to do something.
I did it.
Asked her to leave me alone;
To not talk to me
Basically cutting off all contact forms.
I know its a drastic move,
An extreme measure;
And our friendship is at stake
But other than that,
I know no other possible alternative
Safe enough to protect myself from the whole cycle
I am sick of getting affected
Tired of crying over her
I need my life back proper,
And somehow there is just no room for her.


I know this act of mine is childish;
Immature and not at all the best way
It was a gamble taken,
One that may not be well justified


But hey, spare a thought for me
Having to pretend that I am all fine
To consider all the other party's emotions,
Only to have to bottle up mine.


To cry in the wee hours of the night
Simply cuz everything is just too painful to bear
To deal with all the heartaches
Yet not being able to share
To cope with the overwhelming fears of everything
Coupled with the taste of loneliness


I am but only human,
And a woman at that
I need a shoulder, assurance
Not insecurities and fears
I need love, not hurt
You don't owe me love;
But at least please, don't hurt me


A gamble I have taken,
I only hope that it turns out right


And to friends of the both of us,
Please, let it not affect anything.

honesty

Talking helps to put things into perspectives
Realised why I was so upset


Part of the reason being
I prize honesty over everything
Yet the irony is
I cannot be totally honest to that someone


Hate it when I have to fake emotions
Pretend to be fine,
To be gracious and flippant;
Pretend not to care and say
"No big deal, its fine =]"


When actually it does matter
Especially when your actions seem just to assuage your guilt,
And you dun seem to really mean what you say
At least, thats the way I view it;
Then all I want to say is
"Spare me, You live your life, and I live mine. Don't act apologetic when its your choice to do so"
Yet I lie and pretend that all is fine,
sparing you a hard time


The truth will hurt;
And I guess all ll be amazed
By how honesty ll make me seem so mean
Take your pick, which cyn will u prefer?
The honest but mean one,
Or the nice but untruthful one?


*gives a new spin to the word "tactful"

FigHter sPiRit

Finished cleaning up,
Felt empowered as I threw away
Flowers from my ex
Tickets stubs from special times
With someone whom I felt for,
But never developed with.
I thought I really succeeded
Managed to let go.


Then I was put to the test
She msn-ed me to apologise
Said she was going to be away
At the time of my birthday.
Was going to visit her someone special
Tears brimmed
I din like the results of the test;
I din manage to let go completely.


Din expect her to remember,
Daren't wish for anything
I rather she forgot
And made no mention with it
That way, I wun have any hope
But yet now even with no hope,
there was disappointment


It was at the moment,
I had to make a choice.
To cry and run away,
Or to face up to what hurts


I chose the latter
Against my own comfort,
I asked about her stuff.
It got painful,
then the pain subsided


It was that moment that I got enlightenment
Its always better to face your fears
Squarely in the eye & confront them
Than to pretend they are not there.


So for all the times I thought I let go,
Maybe its true that I just hid them
Thinking that if I did so,
It will go away somehow


Now I know better,
Perhaps I haven succeeded
Perhaps I still feel something for her
I think I do;
But it doesn't matter
It takes time and a conscious effort
To let go,
To embrace pain as a strengthening drug
To face adversity in tears and not shrivel


I have no answers to the endless tirade of questions
All I have is my fighting spirit
A flicker of flame
& all my willpower not to let it extinguish
Perhaps one day it will burn strong;
I'll be hurt no more
Able to talk to her normally
Able to live independent of her effects

stress stress stress

Dunno where to start from;
This week just got off with a bad start.
Mother actually confronted me yesterday
"Are you in that kind of relationship?"
By which, she was asking if I am a lesbian


It took all of my control nerves
to calmly disclaim
"I am single now"
It hurt that she was my mother,
And I could not be totally honest


Granted, I told a truth
But its only a half truth
As we learn in law,
silence that constitutes a half truth
makes the whole statement a misrepresentation
*consumed by guilt


Whats worse is that her stand broke
Upon my sister's persistent questioning,
and her final conclusion was:
"I have spent so much $$ on you, the last thing I want is for you 2 to be in that kind of relationship."
Upon hearing that,
my heart sank.
I felt like an investment plan to her
A retirement plan.


I dun deny that I ll take care of her old days
But hell, what has that got to do with my sexuality?
Does being a les mean I cannot take care of her?
Why must I choose between family and me;
How I wish that both can co-exist in peace & honesty
Alienating myself from the family is painful,
But i guess thats the price to pay
For being a lesbian.