ProgRession

I drank... cried bitterly.. and thought about the times we had.
Not necessarily in that order,
But I did all.


Deleted all your messages.
Am moving on for real this time now.
Never had you,
And never ll have.
That's the reality I have to face.


Am going to shut the door now for good..
Will never let it open.


Will never allow myself to get hurt over you again.

Crying for You

I sit here every night,
Looking at the stars above.
Those bright & gentle reminders,
Of the past paradise.


I sit here every night
Looking around my quiet room.
Seeing so many things,
Which serve to remind me of you.


I am thinking of you.
Wishing that I can catch a glimpse,
Of what we used to have..


I'm yearning for you.
There were so many roads to choose,
but you chose this.


Oh why this?
I'm still crying for you.


Oh why this?
I'm still...


Crying for you.


-The Choice'99-

Pain

You could probably plunge a knife into me right now, & it would hurt less than how I feel emotionally now.

That sounds corny, and one might just argue that since I don't know how painful a knife wound is, how could I possibly compare?

Fact : I 'm hurting so much inside, more than that which I would admit to anyone. Simply having no idea how to deal with it, nor how much more I could keep it in. Never wanted so much to find an outlet to numb the burden, to feel no more. Yet having nowhere else to run to, I could only stay & learn to be strong.


Day by Day, you linger on at the outskirts of my mind
Like a shadow lurking around,
Never to be out of sight.
Moments of laughter & happiness,
Marred by your presence
When will my joy be untainted?
And when will I be whole again?

Uncertainty is all you can give

Just some thoughts I had at work while waiting for the phone to ring:


Came here to take my mind off things,
Ended up with nothing but my thoughts instead to occupy me.


Nasty dominos I have set up unwittingly,
Wonder what 'll happen if one falls.
Unknowingly, I have set myself & others up for pain.
What's horrible is not the pain of waiting,
but the pain of uncertainty, & of not knowing how you truly feel for me.


Unable to derive answers,
I caused others to be held back.
I just hope they ain foolish enough,
that they will move on somehow.


Never felt so lost before, & I have never
Wanted so much for feelings to be a clear cut issue.


You leave me at a loss,
A loss for words, actions & for how
to carry on.
Yet, it is by no fault of yours,
that I'm feeling what I am now.
I knew what I was getting into,
the moment I chose to recognise what I felt for you.


I have no regrets,
Just wished that it was more clear
that I know what I should do

Thoughts In Genting

Wanted to post this when I thought of it, but there was no computer access so transfered it from paper only now.


-09122004-


What does it mean if each time I see some other thing,
I think of you?


What does it mean if my instinct to self protect fails me,
when it comes to liking you?
That I willingly chose to still feel for you,
knowing that it brings me nothing but hurt.


Is this what they call love?
Or is it foolishness instead?


I just can't get you out of my mind,
no matter how far I go.


-befuddled-

EmotiOnS amOk

Am so tired. Kinda wish I could be devoid of emotions, that way I would not have to feel what I am experiencing now - indecisiveness, guilt and pain.


Indecisive about the decision I made. Wanting to move on but the emotional side of me is resisting it with all its might. "What ifs" keep popping up in my heart. Emotional vs Rational. Never knew I was capable of such internal struggle.


Guilt because of the people whom are waiting for me. Just because I am indecisive, it holds everyone back, giving people hope. Am so sorry to have mislead you in any way. Know that no matter what happens in future, it is still ultimately best for me to ask you to go. Perhaps that ain the smartest way, but its the best way to reduce hurt to the minimal.


Guess for pain, I do not need to elaborate. Have no wish to either. After all, pain is best experienced alone. There is no need to share.

Moving On

I was who I was, I am who I am, I''ll be who I'll be

With this, I am moving on. All the conflicts that I had faced within myself throughout the reflection process so far, they are now all laid to rest. The process of accepting my past was not easy, but with the support of many loved ones, it was eventually possible. Tears were shed, internal struggles were rife, but the end is now finally in sight. Its only at times like this that one ll come to appreciate the support network one has, and can see clearly who are the friends who truly can "connect" and be there. I am now ready to move on, knowing in me what I want.

Told the people that needed to know what I felt inside. Tied up all the loose ends that I have to, including those that I was hesitant to do. Now I am ready to move on. Kinda anticipating what the future will hold, though not exactly knowing what it entails. Well, all I have to do now is to stay strong, stick to what I believe & have decided, and the rest will fall in place.

Yet, the learning journey ain over. It is a continuous process.. Its just that this part of it is completed.. and I am beginning a new one.

What Can I Say

As the days go by, I never fail to amaze myself with what I am doing. Never did I know that I have the strength in me to carry on doing what I have to do outwardly, despite carrying all those emotional excesses inside me. I can even segregate the former from the latter, and carry on professionally, concealing perfectly what has to remain hidden. Perhaps 'cos what is felt is hard to be verbalised, it makes the whole process of masking it all much easier. Or maybe, it is really true that one does not know where one's limits are until pushed.

Irregardless of all, what matters most is that I got to know myself better, strength & weakness. Everything may seem bleak now but it will pass one day. What I really wonder is when? Or rather, where exactly is my limit or breaking point.. Would I approach it soon? Somehow, all these words just feel like they fail to convey how I feel, but well,


:) Life will be fine, somehow! :)

LoVe

Something I read somewhere, which I thought was somewhat meaningful :)


To love is to share life together
to build special plans just for two
To work side by side
and then smile with pride
As one by one, dreams all come true.


To love is to help and encourage
with smiles and sincere words of praise
To take time to share
to listen and care
In tender, affectionate ways.


To love is to have someone special
one who you can always depend
To be there through the years
sharing laughter and tears
As a partner, a lover, a friend.


To love is to make special memories
of moments you love to recall
Of all the good things
that sharing life brings


Love is the greatest of all

Expectations, Emotions & Enigma

Got back the grade for one of my modules this term. Did as expected, but kinda disappointed that I din do even better. Worse, my friends's expectations of me made it even harder to accept what I got.


I tried so hard to hide this disappointment inside me, putting up a strong front for all to see. Yet somehow, my friends could detect it, even ask me about it. Made me wonder if it was them being too perceptive, or was it that I did not do a good job of concealing my feelings. Emotionally tired out


Am so tired of revising, yet am so afraid to slack. What if my leisure cost me my grade? What if the time I use to slack will to turn up something I don't know should I do revision instead? Uncertainty shrouds me like a heavy curtain. Feel so tired and insecure. Wish I had someone to turn to for encouragement, and assurance. Yet, do I want that someone because of love, or is it just plain selfishness? Issues, issues & issues beyond me. Now, I have to just learn to be strong and survive alone. I made this choice, and I have to live with it.

One Nite Stand

I'm thking if u wana hv one nite stand wif me?

Today, I have been prepositioned by a long-time-ago acquaintance with the above. It brought back much memories of the discussion I had with my pal. At that time, we both agreed that one night stands are a ideal form of relationships with no commitments, so much so that it is even better than an open relationship. Yet now I want to differ. With me understanding what love is again, I now realise that one night stands are only possible if one is single, and does not feel any special feelings towards any particular person. Otherwise, no matter how lonely one may feel, it is still impossible to bring oneself to just have that intimate physical contact with someone else other than the one that you feel for. Doing it is simply tantamount to a betrayal of your own feelings towards that special somebody.


And for the slower ones out there wondering if I took up the offer... of cos I DIDN'T

zE AwAkeNing

Felt like I had just woken up from a dream.


Suddenly realised again that love is about being able to sacrifice for the other person, and not about expecting the other to sacrifice for me. With this, I realised that many of my relationships had been had in vain, that I was too caught up with being pampered that I forgot about sacrificing. Give, I did, but I never sacrifice. Love is about sacrifice, about forgoing stuff, even life itself perhaps. Sadly, I never felt this for my previous partners. With this realization, I feel as though a burden has been added onto me.


Realizing my mistakes is one thing. Being able to walk away from them stronger is another. Already, people are looking and judging on my love life. "Flirt! Flippant about relationships!" they say. I dun blame them. I made mistakes and I accept it. What I am unsure about is whether I can fight the fear: Fear of stigma, and the disbelief that I will be serious about my next relationship. How about my next partner? Can she accept my past, and have the faith in me, that I am serious about her? I know what my mistake is and I have learnt not to let it happen again. But, will I have the chance to love again, and show that I am serious this time round, that I know how to love once more.

Will you give me a chance?

wHat a NamE eNcoMpaSses

Saw this on someone's profile. Quite interesting, and it seems quite true for me.
Just try...........sOmethIng lighT-hEarted


Instructions :What you do is to find out what each letter of your name means. Then connect all the meanings and it describes YOU.


PS : If you have double or triple letters, just count the meaning once.

----CYNTHIA-----


C You definitely have a partier side in you, don't be shy to show it.
Y You cause a lot of trouble.
N You like to work, but you always want a break.
T You have an attitude, a big one.
H You are not judgmental.
I You are always smiling and making others smile.
A You can be very quiet when you have something on your mind.


Try it Out!


A You can be very quiet when you have something on your mind.


B You are always cautious when it comes to meeting new people.



C You definitely have a partier side in you, don't be shy to show it.



D You have trouble trusting people.



E You are a very exciting person.



F Everyone loves you.



G You have excellent ways of viewing people.



H You are not judgmental.



I You are always smiling and making others smile.



J Jealously



K You like to try new things.



L Love is something you deeply believe in.



M Success comes easily to you.



N You like to work, but you always want a break.



O You are very open-minded.



P You are very friendly and understanding.



Q You are a hypocrite.



R You are a social butterfly.



S You are very broad-minded.



T You have an attitude, a big one.



U You feel like you have to equal up to people's standards.



V You have a very good physique and looks.



W You like your privacy.



X You never let people tell you what to do.



Y You cause a lot of trouble.



Z You're always fighting with someone

cHoIceS

Choices are everywhere. Everything I do, I have to decide. Apart from taking into consideration what I want, I have to consider what others feel. It's always easy to say that one just has to do what one desires, and that what others think does not matter. This is utter crap. How many of us honestly does not succumb to societal pressure? How many of us will stand strong in times of adversity and say out loud "This is who I am, and what I want."? Not caring what others think, risking their snide remarks or perhaps in other situations, hurting others, just to be who you are and have what you want? I am dis-illusioned. Big Time. For popularity sake, people hide their identity, do things against what they are to pander to what the crowd wants. For a easy way out, people just opt for the choice that allows them to cater to others' needs, even though its not what they want. Else they choose the other side of the coin, and then "face the music" for taking action to get what they want. Shows how much choices are a "individual" thing huh. Think before making choices. Think real hard, 'cos you would not want to regret making a wrong choice and then make another choice again. It does not affect just you, a single person. It involves others!

eQuaLitY - rEaLitY oR iDeaL?

Was learning about economic welfare today in school. Went away being more cynical about income equality in the world than ever. Pretty much think its more a deSire that's never possible.

--Extrapolated it to reality.--
Got a new phone, and sista was so jealous. Immediately, dad wanted to get exactly the phone i have for my sister, so that we can be "equals" *Roll eyes*

--Extrapolated to love life --
Is it ever possible that in a relationship, both can be equals in all aspects? In giving & receiving, in loving the other & sacrificing oneself? As for the tangible part, would it be possible for both to come from totally different backgrounds; academic/family/social circle/age etc, and still be together for a long time? I guess there will always be societal pressure for conformity. "For bamboo to bamboo door, wooden door to wooden door." Well, if you ask me, CY has taught me to view things from a open manner & at many angles or perspectives. It will be hard when two are not equals; differences will arise. Thats when dating before commitment is important. Over time, it will show if two "unequals" can date :)

KnOwiNg Me, KnOwing yOu nOt

Here is where the story ends, this is goodbye...
Knowing me, knowing you.
We just have to face it this time, we are through
Breaking up is never easy, I know but I have to go"

Today marks the start of my one year "celibacy" aka CY. One year's worth of time for me to rediscover myself, and to learn more about what I am, my beliefs, perspectives and views are. Hard-hearted to remain persistent about the decision I made boldly, this is a much-cherished chance to be able to be detached and re-define many things which I feel needs to be reconciled with reality. Will I be determined enough to stay firm and fulfill my CY? Take the time and use it wisely to know myself better inside out; Reflect and grow in the process. It would be hard not to sway in the face of temptation, and to learn from my mistakes. I hope I will not lose sight of what I set out to do.

LiVe, gRoW, bUt dUn lOsE yOurseLf

"Being in a relationship should be comfortable. Compulsion only
brings about misery. Why not opt out of it then?"

Do everything that you ever want to do. Live life to the fullest, and dun have any regrets. Everyone says that, but in the midst of exploring, it is so easy to lose track of oneself. Going with the flow, I now find myself losing track of reality. I reflected and realised that the distance between reality and what I want is now too huge to reconcile. I no longer know what it is exactly that I desired, be it freedom or commitment. Would i rather be loved, or forgo it for self-realization. Deep down, I know what I want, but will I be bold enough to make the decision, or just passive enough to go along with the flow and somehow pray that things would go the way that it should. Would it be SeLF before OthErs or oTheRs beFore sElf?

"We just have to face it, this time we're through,
Breaking up is never easy, i know but i have to go"

A tRiBuTe tO cHilDreN 's DaY

Gone were the days of innocence
Now came the days of havoc and wilfulness
Your innocence gone
Buried deep in the ground
Never to be found
Lost forever
In the tunnel of darkness
Impossible to look for
Just like a needle in hay
Still I won't give up
Looking and looking
Searching and searching
For just that little bit of innocence
That would bring back the old you
The innocent creature I once knew

Corn-fusion

I have never felt so depressed before. Dilemna sets in like a foreign object. We have been together, with happy times and more recently, the bad. What constitutes a relationship? I have really no idea. Makes me feel so confused. Won't it be great if someone has a set of requirements for which a relationship can be built upon? That way, I wun have to grapple with the issues i have now. Should I be happy that she compromises for me, gives in to me whenever we argue or when I am in a foul mood? Is it not healthy then for a relationship to be built this way? What do I exactly want? Love and commitment or freedom to do what I want. The grass is always greener on the other side. Yet, why am I hesitating to give this relationship up? Or why do I desire freedom when I am supposedly in bliss now? She treats me well, and gives me all I can ever want and more from a partner. Yet why am i not satisfied? Why do I always feel that there is something missing & that we are not meant to be. Why?